Today marks 5 years, when on May 7, 2016, my dad died by suicide. I woke up this morning, for the first time in a while, wondering what his last moments were like. Did he wake up thinking this was it…? his last day on earth? Or was he in so much pain that all he could think about was how it would end? We’ll never know. 

As I reflect on the past 5 years, I am reminded that grief doesn’t end, it just changes. It can’t possibly be 5 years, because it truly does feel like yesterday. The memories of those days come flooding back. The loss of Dad and the nature of his death has had a profound impact on my family and I – we think of him daily and we miss him. We remain focused on the legacy of love that he left us.

Someone said that we weave our past into our future. We hold space for those we’ve lost, while we make space for those who are still with us, or who will come along down the line. We don’t shed the weight of our losses. We are suicide loss survivors and we are healing. We often spend our days dodging suicide triggers. We don’t shake them off and leave them behind us. Instead, we get stronger and we learn to carry them. We are all the better for it. The world is all the better for it. My father is not defined by his mental illness and the nature of his death. There are no easy answers and I owe it to him to look at the bigger picture of his life and his legacy. 

Please don’t think of me as brave and resilient as I share my grief and pain – I know of no other way. I am grateful for the kindness, generosity and caring of family, friends and strangers who share their support and give me the space to heal and to share this story and my journey of grief.  I recently came across a blogger, ironically named Deborah, who lost her father to suicide in 2015, a year before us. She shares her reflections and resources as she navigates this complex, traumatic grief journey and what she expresses aligns to exactly how I feel. She wrote a letter to her dad at the 6-year mark and it brought me to my knees – it expressed so much about how I feel and it’s worth a read. We are members of the same club, one we didn’t choose but that one has changed our path, forever. Yet we can take comfort finding ways to heal and survive this trauma.

https://reflectingoutloud.net/

I miss my father, the source of my convictions and my inspiration. He left us a lifetime of memories. By sharing his life lessons, he succeeded in instilling in me that same sense of commitment and need to be in service of others. He set high standards to strive for what you believe in, to never be afraid to ask or try something new, to love with purpose, to be kind and to make sure you enjoyed life along the way. It was because he wasn’t able to live that full life any longer that I have come to believe is why he decided to move on to another life – free of pain and free of the burdens he carried. Farewell, Papa. You did good. You did real good. We love you.

If you, or someone you know, are in crisis and considering suicide, don’t wait. Call someone who can help or 911/999 or the relevant emergency services.

Be sure to visit Debs blog site Taximom – Life in the HOV Lane (wordpress.com)