This is one of the hardest subjects for people to talk about. The pain is so deep, raw and visceral, that often, the plan to avoid processing the feelings, leads to other intense emotional issues. 

There have been huge losses due the pandemic, direct and indirect and people are dealing with grief on a constant basis as a part of life.

The reason I wanted to write this is that in the past month I have spoken to three clients, all dealing with different issues, and what they presented to me were issues around guilt, anxiety and anger.

In fact, once we explored what they were experiencing and why, it became clear to them that the underlying guilt, anxiety and anger – were all symptoms of their personal experience with grief.

There are 5 classic and identified stages of grief…

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I was once advised that in the normal course of events, if everything else in a persons’ life is in good balance, then it would be likely that a person would transition through these phases in 2-3 years. This is not to say the pain and loss disappears, but that each of these emotional states would have been experienced and passed through. 

Now what I find when talking to clients, friends, loved ones, and from my own experience is that there are a huge number of variables that will impact how fast you will realistically move through these stages. If you are dealing with other issues connected to the loss of someone, then sometimes it is possible to get ‘stuck’ in a state you cannot seem to move through. Often for years.

Grief is all consuming and is sometimes referred to as a huge black hole that blocks out all other feeling or sensation, sometimes as huge, unexpected waves that crash into you and knock you to your knees and take your breath away.  It is a deeply personal experience, even when shared with those you are close to.

My personal experience of losing someone I love, is that the grief never leaves – but in terms others use, the ‘hole’ gets smaller, or the waves come less frequently over time. Sometimes with less intensity, sometimes with a crushing intensity that reminds you of the power of those emotions and the depth of your loss. 

The factors that determine the meaning people give to the loss are usually things like, whether they were young or old, whether it was a tragic accident, a shocking murder, unexpected, not in the true order of life, whether they were ill or well, whether they were born! 

We then layer on to this whether we told them how we feel, whether we were with them, whether we got to say goodbye, what we would have done differently. Whether we told them we loved them. How we ended our last conversation with them. And on it goes.

All these questions and situations add to the burden of grief as we try to resolve emotions like guilt at the same time as the natural grieving process.

There are things we can and need to do, in time, when we are ready.  It is important to allow the time and space to grieve, it is catharsis. So many people feel that crying is a sign of weakness, and that keeping a stiff upper lip shows they have everything under control. Sometimes people are scared to cry because they feel they may never stop. You will, but  suppressing emotion for long periods of time can create stress in the body that presents as physical symptoms such as sores, rashes or even food allergies. The mind is the body, and our thoughts have been shown in science to impact our bodies at a cellular level. This literally goes deep.

There is no answer or advice that fits all, however there are a number of different ways in which we can re-frame the meanings we give to loss, to help us move to a place of acceptance, because fundamentally all pain comes from resistance of ‘what is’ – especially when it is not what we want it ‘to be’.

I wanted to post this because sometimes, just making sense of these things can help.

Sending big love to anyone suffering right now.