My journey on this ‘diversion’ began in September 2018 when I was in the shower.  Having just washed my underarms, when I dragged my hand back across the top of my breast my hand stopped, I did the same movement again and this time there was no denying it there was definitely a lump there that I hadn’t noticed before.

My mind didn’t go racing as in my head it was fine .I check my breast regularly and have always had lumpy bumpy boobs especially around that time of the month.  There was so much going on at the time, I was flat out at work doing crazy long hours and really stressed to get organised as we were going on cruise that weekend for a week. I returned from our cruise and still did nothing about it as I was just too busy catching up with work and couldn’t let anyone down cancelling their appointment. After two weeks I had a day off so I called the doctors as this lump wasn’t going down, I was seen that day and given a thorough check, the doctor told me he could feel something under my armpit too and started dictating a letter to the hospital for me to be seen asap under the 2 week rule.  Still I stayed calm. I’d been to the breast clinic and had mammograms before so it was going to be fine – the doctor told me to make sure my husband went with me for the appointment and I was like ‘its fine’ I know the procedure and anyway he’s going away with work.  Within a couple of days I received an appointment to attend the breast clinic to have a mammogram and see a specialist, this appointment I kept very quiet as I didn’t want to worry anyone for no reason. I only told my husband and best friend, and of course it turned out the appointment was when my husband was due to be away so he told me he was going to cancel the trip, I reassured him I was fine it was just procedure and for him to go and said if it would help that I would ask my best friend to come with me to the appointment. 

On that Tuesday 30^th October with my best friend with me I had my mammogram.  ‘Yes’ the doctor said ‘it showed something’, but wasn’t sure what so sent me round for an ultra sound scan. At this scan they found a second mass so biopsies were carried out, the nurse who bandaged me up said ‘its okay the treatment nowadays is excellent’ this was when things hit me.  My best friend was amazing, while I sat there feeling numb and not really listening to the doctor and she asked all the questions, all I remember the doctor saying was ‘yes I would be having some sort of treatment but until results were back they didn’t know what treatment’. That’s when it got even harder – I had to phone my husband in South Africa to let him know how I got on, hearing his voice break was so hard but I had to hold it together as it was time to be honest with my two sons (23 & 20 at the time) and my mum, but how do you tell them when they knew nothing about the appointment, and only 3 years prior we had lost my dad to a cancerous brain tumour.  Yet again the best friend went into overdrive and when I didn’t have the words to tell them all she was amazing and stepped in.  I held it together, I had to and I had to be strong for my boys and I was doing so well until the Thursday morning when my husband surprised me walking through the door, he’d got the first flight home he could, I took one look at him and I broke down and cried. 

The following Thursday with my husband and best friend by my side it was confirmed by me consultant that the 8cm mass was breast cancer, we already knew but hearing those words and being asked to go into the side room for a chat with the breast nurse made it all real but still the hardest bit was to come, having to tell my boys and see them cry broke me.

The following week back yet again to see my consultant it was more bad news, my breast cancer type was HER2+ it was an invasive cancer with a higher risk of reoccurrence and I would be starting chemotherapy to try and reduce the size of the mass before any surgery, I was angry not about the cancer but why did I have to have that type, why couldn’t I have the type once it was gone there’s a 95% it wont come back.  The following three weeks was like a whirlwind of lack of sleep and so many appointments to attend, one being a full body scan to see if the cancer had spread.  Still not knowing these results we were driving to the hospital to see the oncologist about starting chemotherapy I said to my husband I don’t want to know the results from my scan as I’m not sure I can pull myself out of that deep black hole again. It just felt like every time we see a specialist it was more bad news and I wasn’t sure I could do it anymore. Both of us sat in the waiting room in silence staring at the wall and all the posters in front of me were about palliative care, I just wanted to run a mile.

Thankfully my oncologist put me at ease straight away with his words, he said there was no reason why I wouldn’t respond to treatment, it was the first positive bit of news I had been given and on my consent form under reason for treatment he wrote “for a better chance of survival” I happily signed the form.  He told me I would be starting treatment within the next couple of weeks, and my face fell, we were due to go to New York the following week Wednesday with our best friends, I told him this, he looked a my notes and replied “no reason why not to go the scan’s clear” I asked him to repeat this again as I wasn’t sure I heard right, he said “your body scan showed it hasn’t spread so I think it will do you the world of good to go and enjoy yourself” I looked round at my husband and we both had tears of happiness rolling down our cheeks.  The scan was clear! Strangely – we went into town for a meal and celebrated with a bottle of fizz, not sure why as I still had cancer but I was determined I could get through this.

New York was brilliant, just what was needed for all of us. 

Then it was back to reality again as 3 days after getting home and more appointments my first round of chemotherapy started, the first round being over 2 days.  The chemo ward was bright and colourful and not at all doom and gloom, I opted to try the cold capping to try and save my hair as one of the chemotherapy drugs I was having made your hair fall out, I had always had longish hair and the thought of loosing it all horrified me.  Round 1 & 2 of chemo were the worst I’m not going to lie, after a couple of days the chemo would hit and for 10 days I couldn’t lift me head off the pillow, I had mouth ulcers, spots like boils on my front and back but never underestimate the effects of fatigue, it demoralises you and messes with your emotions oh and not forgetting pains in my pelvis were horrendous, I would never wish chemo on my worst enemy, if I could have been dragged out of bed and been shot I would of taken that option. But that wasn’t an option and I had to continue. I had to do it for my family, this journey wasn’t just about me, it was affecting them too. Thankfully more positive news my scan had shown after the first rounds my tumour mass had shrunk by nearly 50%. The oncologist decided my body couldn’t take the full dose any longer and reduced my chemo to 80% thankfully round 3, 4, 5 & 6 weren’t as bad and I was only bed bound for about 5 days.  My husband thought it was great me sleeping as he got some peace and quiet, he also had the job of given me my injection into my tummy daily, I had to be nice to him as I swear otherwise he would blunt the needle in the kitchen first so it would doubly hurt.  My friends were all fantastic and took it in turns to cook meals for us through chemo week and took it in turns to take me to hospital for treatment, I always felt bad about this as it was a long day for them to be sat there from 9 till 4 while I was hooked up to a machine. 

The day I got to ring that bell on the ward to mark the end of chemo was such a relief, I rang that bell loud and proud and not just for me but also for all those fighting this evil disease and for those who didn’t make it.  Chemotherapy brought so many mixed emotions it was brilliant it shrunk the tumour but it also brought weight gain and the puffy face, I was lucky the cold capping worked and I kept a good coverage of hair but I lost my eyelashes and eyebrows, I used to look in the mirror and not even recognise the person staring back, oh how I craved to be Jo again.  But there was a positive as you have to always find a positive in everything – I also lost my body hair so it saved on the cost of waxing!

3 weeks after finishing chemotherapy I was booked into have a right side mastectomy, it was also discussed for me to have reconstruction taking the muscle from my back and dragging it round to make a breast at the same time. Unfortunately, this wasn’t then possible, as my body had taken such a battering from the chemo my consultant felt I wouldn’t get through the op.  So what do you do but throw a ‘Bye bye tit away party’ invite and charge your friends to come round for a girlie night with cocktails and games and raise money for Breast Cancer Research. So I was going to loose my breast and be flat on one side, but at the end of the day I just wanted the cancer gone and if it meant have my breast off then that what was happening.  The operation was successful and when they tested my central node there was no sign of cancer cells.  Such a relief and then more positive news 2 weeks later, yet again sat back with my consultant my results were back from my mastectomy I was told there was no evidence of disease, I just wanted to shout from the roof tops.   6 weeks later I still had to start 3 weeks of daily Radiotherapy (15 rounds) but hey that was a walk in the park compared to chemo and to a certain degree it was, but within a couple of days I was sore and swollen and by the end of week two I was whacked out. I knew radiotherapy wiped out the bad cells but didn’t think about how it wiped out the good ones too, and while all this was going on I was still having a target treatment up on the chemo ward every 3 weeks as I had to have that for 18 rounds. I was also still having regular blood tests and echocardiogram every other month to check my heart as the treatment can damage it, and as my breast cancer was hormone related, I’m prescribed medication for the next 10 years. But I’m not complaining, I’m grateful for everything the NHS throw at me, hospital just became my second home that year

In the July I answered an add on Facebook  for volunteers who are beauty trained to help out at the local ‘Look Good Feel Better’ meetings, I had seen posters for this charity in different waiting areas but not paid much attention to them.  The charity run boosting confidence make up workshop for ladies going through cancer.  I spoke to the area manager, told her about my journey and went to the first workshop just to observe but ended up getting stuck in and loved every minute of it. Seeing the ladies and knowing what they were going through, I just wanted to help and seeing their smiles when they left the session brought so much happiness. I became a volunteer and helped running the sessions

In the November I went for my first mammogram on my left breast, I wasn’t worried. I was upbeat until they wanted to do a closer second mammogram, this time they found something very tiny that wasn’t there the year before, yet again I had to have 10 biopsies and I told my consultant this can’t be happening I’ve only just started growing my hair back.  I snapped myself out of it and stayed positive, thankfully three weeks later I got the results, it was benign. I would need another mammogram in 6 months time just to keep an eye on it

Then on 6th December a year from the date I started chemotherapy I had my final treatment and my oncologist signed me off, what a crazy day that was, my friends were amazing and had arranged a celebratory party night out at a hotel with lots of surprises, I thought that day I would feel so ecstatic but I felt nothing like that leaving the hospital, I was scared after nearly 14 months of being at the hospital sometimes 3 times a week I was out there on my own.

I found the weeks that followed really hard, and when people would say to me now I’ve finished treatment life can get back to normal, I would just smile at them, what was normal, every little niggle and pain my mind would go into overdrive and I would think the worst and the first and last thing I would think about each day would be cancer, it was starting to take over my life

Thankfully I still had and have contact with the breast nurses and in the following March after long chats with them it was said I was suffering from health anxiety, apparently this is very common for ladies that have been through this journey and suggested why don’t I start the Couch to 5k app for running, I laughed so much, I hadn’t run since school and I used to try and get out of it then, but following their advice I knew I had to do something I downloaded the app and the following week I went for my first run, okay wobble and I haven’t looked back.  The head space I get from getting out there is amazing, I m still not a runner but I ll keep trying, my husband says I’m very trying but I don’t know what he means.  I have taken on challenges and raised money for the local hospice who cared for my dad and for Breast Cancer Research who without them I wouldn’t be here so its my little way give something back. 

Cancer throws so many things at you and I don’t expect people to understand as unless you’ve been there you cant imagine the rollercoaster that goes with it. 

My husband has continued to be my rock and cuddled and supported me not matter what time of day every step of the way even though this has affected him too.

 I continually beat myself up as I want answers as to why I got cancer, we know even though its rife in my fathers side of the family I have been through the tests and I don’t have the BRCA gene.  I still struggle some days and feel my life will never be the same, and I’ll never be that Jo again, but I guess how can it be after being through cancer, it will always play part of your life.

 I ve decided at present I don’t want to put myself through more operations and have reconstruction I still suffer nerve damage on that side and the cording is tight but I can now look at my scar and not cry. Instead I look at it and see it as my survivors scar, this is the new me and I m going to embrace it and enjoy life without living with daily fear, no one knows what’s round the corner, I have regular check ups and I m determined to be here for a very long time living life to the full and in August 2021 I got to renew my wedding vows to celebrate our 25^th Wedding Anniversary, throughout my journey it became a focal point I would make that day and celebrate the occasion with my rock and having our very close friends with us to thank them for all the support they had given over.

Crazy as it sounds, but some days I’m almost grateful for the journey I’ve been on, it makes you appreciate the little things in life and take nothing for granted. I’m a much calmer person and don’t get stressed over little things like I used to.  This journey has taught me so much, you have to take one day at a time and you just have to find a positive in everything that’s thrown at you even when some days you have to dig that little bit deeper.

So ladies make sure you get to know your boobs and check them regularly and if something feels or looks different don’t delay, it might be nothing but its always best to get it checked and god forbid it is anything sinister the earlier its caught the better chance of survival.