We all do it to ourselves at some point, but some of us do it daily, constantly, habitually – like a ritual. Our negative internal dialogue (inner voice) can be vicious. So how did we become like this? Is our behaviour purely a reflection of society and how the (social) media operate? It most definitely has an influence, and for years we have been subjected to and bombarded with imagery of how a woman should look.

But here is the really messed up bit.  If it is not acceptable to openly judge and criticise others based upon their appearance (trolling), then how come it is acceptable to do it to ourselves?

We are usually our own harshest critic. If you have no idea what I am talking about – take a moment to think about the way you speak to yourself. Most people are not even conscious of what the messages are: they are repeated constantly and unconsciously. Low self-confidence, low self-esteem, depression and body image issues are the most common. Women are experts at beating themselves up.  Strikes me that those doing the trolling are those who perhaps like themselves the least, after all what we put out is usually a projection of how we feel about ourselves.

Once you become aware of your habits and the language you use to talk to yourself – you can decide how well this serves you. Becoming conscious of how you speak to yourself might lead to the realisation that your thoughts determine how you feel about yourself. Write the words down, how many of them are positive, empowering affirmations? I always ask my clients – would you talk to your friends the way you talk to yourself. The response is commonly ‘no way – of course not!!’

This is all linked to identity and how we ‘see’ ourselves.  What you believe about yourself determines how you feel and those feelings create your emotions.  Here’s an example: if your belief is that ‘in order to be happy you need to be slim’, then guess what until you are slim you will not ‘allow’ yourself to be happy.  If you can’t spend time identifying what your core beliefs are – you cannot fundamentally change the way you feel. What if you changed your belief to ‘I accept myself and can be happy regardless’. Choose happiness, then work on yourself.

Most of us don’t even know what our ‘beliefs’ are. They are usually based on role modelling – your upbringing, the blueprint established in early life. It is important that however strongly we believe something – it does not necessarily mean it is true! And this is SUPER important as your children are ‘watching’ and in turn ‘role modelling’ you!

So if you wake up in the morning and decide you hate yourself, you ‘look’: fat, ugly, old, wrinkly, saggy……or you ‘are’ stupid, useless, lazy, (replace with whatever other words you may have) you are creating the feelings for the day. Over time this becomes such an unconscious habit people dislike themselves and don’t even know why.

It is true that the way we see ourselves – is very rarely the way others see us. We assume so much. I know it is difficult to change something you are not doing consciously and don’t even know you are doing – and that you might have done for such a long time it has become an ingrained habit or ‘story’ – but as a first step, may I suggest you just try to be a little kinder to yourself.

I do believe in positive reinforcement – but in order to truly accept yourself for the wonderfully unique human being that you are – you need to begin to change your approach.  It is commonly said that it takes 21 days to change a habit. So, my challenge to you would be – take 21 days and for each day find something positive to say to yourself in the mirror. People tell me this is hard. But so is beating yourself up relentlessly! Start small if you must, but please, start. If you are unwilling (not unable) to be overly nice to yourself – try to focus on one thing that you do like – or is ‘ok’, and build from there.

We are busy people, but life is short and we owe it to ourselves and our families to live the best life we can – wherever we are – with what we have.

Don’t compare and despair – you will never be someone else – ever – BUT – and this is a huge BUT – you can be a different and better version of yourself.  Just think about how can you improve your life? Once you believe that you deserve to feel good – you might change your language, your diet, your drinking habits, your exercise regime, even your friends…whatever it takes – don’t keeping beating yourself up – maybe just try a different approach….especially if this one isn’t working out for you so well.

Take care of yourself x